"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize