this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
