He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Are we still banned from the library?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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