I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
