she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
