Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize