I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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