RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
