Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
