It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
