I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
