this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
