I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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