you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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