I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
