i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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