Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Mom said you looked used
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
