im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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