my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
