You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
