You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Floor bacon is actually really good
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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