You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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