Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
