I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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