he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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