I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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