On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
