Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
