your thong is hanging out like whoa
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
wow bdsm is so cute
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