our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
