Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
