I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
