Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
