i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
