I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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