I heard we made out
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
