so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
