fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
