There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
