Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
