I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
