Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
