So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
