I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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