Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
