Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
