in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
