help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize