I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Its about making memories worth repressing
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
