Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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