fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize