She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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