Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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