I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize