i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
