Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
