hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
