Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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