you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
