A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
