did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just google imaged poop.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
