Nicole vs. Life
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
