Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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