guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
