Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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