The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
