i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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