i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
